lovies #1/column

For a long time it was just the idea of kindergarten that made me upset.  Knowing that my precious, innocent son would be spending seven hours a day in a room with kids and teachers that I don’t know was hard on my overprotective self.  But I prayed about it, have been praying about it for a very long time now, and I am confident that G is in the school he is supposed to be with the teacher he is supposed to have.  That brings me peace.

Now the knowledge that I won’t be experiencing the day with him is hard on me.  In preschool I got to be in the classroom for the last part of every day and I got to see him in his space, with his friends and his toys.  I got to see the G who exists outside of me.  In kindergarten I won’t be in his classroom every day, probably not every week, and that I don’t get to see him raise his hand to ask a question or laugh with his friends or run like mad on the playground hurts me.

Last week as I left a meeting with my fellow MOPs steering team one of my friends told us that next week [this week now] the weather was going to be much cooler and we should all meet at the park.  As I drove him I cried at the thought of being at the park with my friends and G’s friends but without G, without him running and laughing with us.  I got home and could barely tell Hubby what was wrong.  After I calmed down he told me his mom had wanted to take G and Little Missy the next night so they could spend the night with their cousins who were visiting.  I wanted to let them go; I wanted to be unselfish and let the big kids have fun with their cousins.  But I couldn’t.  I pulled a totally selfish move and kept them at home with me.  I needed to see G as much as I could, even if it was only at lunch around the table or while on errands in the back seat of the car.

When he called his mom to tell her the news he explained, “It’s traumatic around here.”  True.  Very true.

What Hubby didn’t know at the time was that I’d already broken down a month and a half before.  When Baby Chickadee was only a week old one of my friends on facebook updated that she hoped the last 7 1/2 weeks of summer would go by slowly.  My post-pregnancy hormones hit me hard and I stood in the bathroom and cried, then snuggled next to my sleeping boy and cried some more.

That’s what last week’s column was about (I’ll provide a link when it gets posted).  Being sad that my sweet, loving boy is headed to kindergarten.  But that’s also what my first lovie is about (hat tip to Mindy for the great idea).

So, Lovie #1:

The past two nights G has asked to snuggle with me before bed, and the past two nights I jumped at the opportunity.  He hasn’t asked me to snuggle in months and I’m going to absorb the times that he needs me.  As I laid next to him the first night and watched the slow rise and fall of his chest I realized that God had given me that time with him.  In my sadness last week I cried to God and told Him He had to take it from me because I was a mess.  And He did.  I’m sad now, of course, knowing G and I are entering the next stage of his life, but God is kind to me, showing me that my big boy still needs me.  And I haven’t cried in days.

I love you, my sweet boy who is now in kindergarten.  And I love you my sweet Heavenly Father, who is always there to take hold of my right hand.